Not My Kill
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: The universe isn't entirely black and white as some people would have you believe. I find its rather...grey. I like grey. Grey is nice. Grey is different. Grey is complicated, in a world that is anything but. In a world like this, grey can raise all sorts of havoc. One thing's for sure, its Not my Kill. Narutoxharem! Part of the "Not Going Home" Series.
1. Not My Kills

**A/N: HOLY CRAP I FINALLY GOT MY INTERNET BACK! IT WAS DOWN FOR DAYS! T_T I was going into serious withdrawal...that aside, I think we all knew this story was coming. Especially after I teased it in "Not so Hungry". Add to the fact that I've been reading the manga like crazy-NOT TOUCHING THE ANIME AFTER THAT CRAP ENDING!-and I just had to write this. The continuation of the Not Going Home Series!**

 **Now, before we start, I do ask you, my dear reader, to know this:**

 **Remember, this is meant to make you smile. A pick-me-up, if you will. Its full of crack, silliness, and humor abounds. VERY LITTLE of it is serious at all. That being said...**

 **...enjoy! We jump right into the thick of things, here! LET THERE BE WAR! And for those who have been clamoring for this, "Diny" from "Clever Girl" pops up here...**

 _"Of course not. You're not my kill."_

 _"Oh thank-_

 _"But the doesn't mean I won't take an arm or two."_

 _~Naruto._

 **Not my Kill**

 _Akame ga Kill._

 _There has never been a more wretched hive of scum and villiany than this anime, right here. I mean, I've been to all manner of worlds, seen some of the worst the universes have to offer, and let me tell you, this ranks right up there with the most vile of them!_ _Not only is there no shortage of depravity present here, but the people! Need I say more? Torture, rape, dismemberment sadism!_

 _How twisted can you get, oi?!_

 _Can you BLAME an organization like Night Raid for taking shots at 'em?_

 _But the strangest part of this world is that it isn't entirely black and white as some would have you believe once you delve into it. Its rather...grey. I like grey. Grey is nice. Good and evil tend to lose their meaning from a distance, but when you witness it firsthand, you start to question things. What shaped this person? What made them who they are today? That's what interested me._

 _So, in lieu of outright stomping on the little shits..._

 _...we decided to have some fun._

 _Did I say "we", just now?_

 _I did indeed!_

* * *

(...)

* * *

Prime Minister Honest was having a bad day.

A very bad day indeed.

All his plotting, all his plans, all his hard wrought schemes-all undone in an instant.

By this blond buffoon!

For he was looking at a thief, a churl, an impostor, oh yes of course, he knew that much already! But what he _didn't_ understand was the _whowhatwherewhenwhyandhow_! Words blurred together as his mind struggled to comprehend just how he'd gotten himself into this situation. Of the guards there were none; unless one counted the grisly stains on the wall. That would've been bad enough were there not a sword at his throat, all of a mere blink from beheading him outright.

Mind adrift, the portly minister scrambled for a way out. His martial arts were all but useless to him now; any movement on his part would only result in an open throat. The _Irei Stone_ even more so-whomever had him against the wall clearly wasn't wielding a Tiegu of any sort, which left his trump card little more than a shattered gemstone in the now-stolen crown that his attacker had liberated from him. Still...he was not without at least some

If he could just reach his pistol...!

"I wouldn't do that, if I were, minister-san." a man's rough voice drawled from across the hall. "Erza doesn't take kindly to being shot at. You know what she _really_ hates? Old men who abuse their power and condemn the innocent. Isn't that right sweetheart?"

At that very moment, the blade drew blood.

Honest yelped.

 _"Urk!"_

The one responsible for this looked like something out of child's nightmare; all bright eyes, whiskers, blond hair and long red horns wrapped in a sweeping cobalt-orange cloak. A strange headset lay slung over his neck-a Teigu of some sort?-which only furthered Honest's confusion, his anger, his sheer _hate_ for the being who'd upended him. He hadn't even lifted so much as a finger against him, yet, in the last thirty seconds, he'd done more damage to his reputation than that infernal Night Raid ever could.

How on earth had it come to this?!

Mere moments ago, all had been well. He'd been enjoying a fine piece of meat, watching some fool get sentenced to death. It had all been under his control.

 _He_ had been in control.

Then this very man had beaten down the door and swept into the room with a guard on either arm; two women who looked as though they belonged in a battlefield, not in court. Said women had obliterated the guards in short order when they foolishly tried to bar their liege from approaching the emperor.

Needless to say, the conflict had been terribly short-lived.

The one about to execute him, this "Erza" was a fierce maiden with blood-red hair fair, eyes like grey amethyst burning out at any who dared to so much as gaze upon her. Her silver embossed armor told everyone who looked upon her that she was a warrior to be sure but it was the _gleam_ in those eyes, a proud look that dared defiance and promised pain for any who thought to cross her. Judging by the way she was looking at him, it was going to be a long and agonizing pain that awaited him hence.

"Listen," he purred, "If you release me, I can promise you riches beyond your wildest-UGACH!"

 _"Silence!"_

His second companion was only slightly more difficult to puzzle out, if only for the fact that she barely appeared human at all beneath that white dress. Grey skin aside, eyes like orange slits surveyed the room with a blank gaze shaded beneath that sinister curtain of ebon tresses, as though she were peering straight through everyone and everything at once. She also seemed wholly incapable of speaking in anything resembling a complete sentence.

Unbidden, those amber eyes snapped to the Emperor, still-quivering on his throne. Honest glimpsed sharp fangs behind full lips and shuddered.

"Mine?"

"Down, Diny." Naruto snapped. "He's not for eating. We need him...for now."

"W-W-W-What do you want?"

His Majesty-Young Makoto-looked all of an instant from soiling himself outright as Naruto climbed the stairs to the throne. And why shouldn't he? The boy was nothing without him. This kingdom was nothing without him either. Who did they have without him, hmmm?! A feeble boy who couldn't tell North from South, if someone showed them a map! Of course telling them as much was just as like to end with his head separated from his body all the sooner, so

"I want what I came here, for." the horned man drawled, clearing the last step. "I want you to read this." With that, he thrust a piece of parchment into the young boy's lap. Small fingers wrapped around the worn, but sturdy paper, dark eyes peering at the words within. When they looked up

"This is…?"

A declaration of war." came the reply. "On you. Your Minister. All the corrupt bastards here in the capital and throughout the kingdom. Oh, and seriously, Honest? That is the _worst_ name for him. You might want to think about getting that changed before you step down."

"You have a country...?"

"Well, until recently, no." the horned blond confessed with a cheery shrug, "I sorta made one of my own. Funny how many tribes are willing to follow you once you offer them what they want."

The silence was telling.

"Your head, in case you were wondering." a finger stabbed at him. "On a platter. In thirty days. Of course, we can avoid all that. You can step down right now, order your minister executed, and see the rot in your puny empire for yourself. Personally, I prefer that option. I mean, yeah, its boring, but it'd spare the most lives, wouldn't you agree?"

For a fleeting moment, Honest actually thought he might do it. But in the end, Honest realized the boy was too loyal for his own good.

"My Empire will never bow to you!" Makoto cried! "You'll pay for what you've done here today!"

Pity flashed through those cerulean orbs, dashed in the next moment.

"Alright, then. With spirit like that, you won't be needing this."

CRUNCH.

The boy emperor cringed.

"What did you-

"By the way, you know that big ol' giant armor you guys've been keeping in the basement?" Naruto beamed maliciously. "I've had it with me this whole time. _In the palm of my hand._ At least...I did. You know, I might be biased, but for the life of me I never understood the people's fascination with these Teigu things." the blond murmured, watching the blackened shards crumble beneath his fingers. "You want to fight, you little brat? Do it with your own strength. Earn it. Don't just throw on a piece of armor or take a tool to do accomplish it. Shame on you."

Makoto shrank back at the look in those cold blue eyes.

"A-Are you going to kill me?"

The young man laughed.

"Kill you?" the deity scoffed, shaking his head. "No. That would be merciful. 'Sides, where's the fun in that" he said. "I was going to be a benevolent god this time and give you an out. But as you're clearly a stupid little shit, you've gone and chosen the path of most resistance, first. But I'm not opposed to marking my territory. Diny! Two or three more of the Minister's fingers, if you please."

"Two or three more?

Naruto nodded.

 _"Two or three more."_

Honest blanched, trying in vain to wriggle away as he saw the hybrid girl approach, grinning.

"No, no, no, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." The shinobi's voice rose calmly over the unholy sound of his screams. "For the god of ramen is here! But before I start the pranks and games, I think a bit of orange is nee-OOOH, COMPANY!"

 **"...!"**

The horned ninja spun just as the remaining door leaped from his hinges, flying free to lunge at his head with the speed of a shooting star. He didn't even bother to take a hand from his pocket; the massive slab of iron simply caromed harmlessly off his forehead as though he'd physically struck it. His right hand shot to his shoulder not a moment later, parrying the rapier's lunge that cut out at him from behind. Steel met steel, sparks skittering between crossed blades.

"Nice!" he crowed, leaning over their stalemate, "Almost didn't sense you, there!"

"I'll say." came the reply. "You've got good reflexes."

"I'm a ninja, comes with the territory!"

Honest nearly didn't recognize the assailant, not at first, his vision still tinged with the pain of losing most of his fingers. It was only when a curtain of blue hair entered his vision that he at last recognized what-who!-he was looking at.

 _General Esdeath._

Relief flooded him in an invigorating tide.

"KILL THEM!" he roared!

"She can try, 'ttebayo!"

"That won't work~!" Naruto sing-songed, flashing a roguish grin once more. "You say the strong prosper and the weak die? Allow me to break that illusion!"

One had to give the empire's greatest credit, she adapted most quickly. In the time that it took the blond to speak, she pivoted, feinted a strike at his legs and cut upwards driving her rapier home towards his throat. Rather, she would have, had not along digit put itself firmly in the blade's path, parrying the icy blade before it could find flesh. To her dismay, her weapon refused to budge. That lone digit wrapped around her sword and held fast, pinning her frigid blade in place as though she were naught but a little girl, swinging silly sticks.

"Hey, careful there." he grinned happily, watching her struggle. "You might hurt someone with that. Is it my turn now?"

Esdeath's only response was a frown. Something about that smile had made her heart do a backflip just now. Impossible. This was the middle of a battle. What did it matter if this stranger was holding his own against her...almost as if...he were enjoying himself...absurd! N-Now was not the time for such-

"I'll take your silence as a yes, blue!"

Cackling, he cut down!

Ice met his blade, ice that parted like slush against the hulking zanbato, slowing him for only a moment. There! A grin tugged at her lips as she sidestepped, saw the opening, and struck out at an exposed leg. Her blade met resistance almost instantly; reaping only the smallest of wounds before she was forced to twirl away. When she looked again the injury was nowhere to be seen. _What...?_ Naruto struck out at her and she spun away from him, bounding back in retreat from the impenetrable wall of his cleaver.

"Ice, eh?!" Naruto boomed, freeing his blade from the floor. "Cool!"

"Your puns are terrible!"

"You're not!"

When he moved this time, Esdeath barely saw it at all. Only the faintest shadow foretold her doom. The blow came sweeping in from the right, a savage crosscut that stripped her guard and sliced out at her exposed flank. Her rapier rose, too slowly, she could already imagine the sting of steel against her hip-

 _Too fast!_

 _No time!_

 _'No!'_

 **"Makahadoma!"**

With nary a sound, the entire room bathed itself in eerie blue relief, time itself grinding to a halt as she played her trump card. Reality stopped moving all at once in a sudden stutter, the grey blur of death descending upon her nigh but frozen in time. Esdeath straightened slowly, stepping around the frozen blade and circling to his back with gentle, languid ease. Close. Too close. A moment more and he might well have cleaved her head from her shoulders. Such a pity. She would've rather prolonged the fight, but he'd given her no choice.

Ah, well...

"You really put me through my paces." she sighed, raising her blade for the finishing blow. "But now its all over now. The strong live and the weak die-

Naruto's head whipped around with such force she physically heard the bones snap.

"Gotcha, bitch."

Esdeath squeaked.

"How-

 _"RASENGAN!"_

That was all she had time to utter before an spiraling sphere smashed into her unprotected chest, hurling her backwards. By some manner of luck she managed to conjure a wall of ice as she shot back, forcing her foe to parry as Esdeath desperately sought to negate her unwanted momentum. Heels ground against the marble floor, digging great gouges into the once-pristine surface. When she looked up to find her opponent, a soft breeze against the nape of her neck sent shivers shooting down her spine; a voice in her head screamed a warning.

 _Duck!_

A wall of frozen water shot up nary in time-her cap went flying as the head cleaver bit through her icy defenses, sending her spinning away. Not quick enough. She'd only just found her footing again when that massive blade came roaring down on her, ripping through her block as though it were made of paper. Steel shattered, then met flesh, and _flesh_ yielded in a blaze of white-hot agony. One that burned angry red daggers through Esdeath's brain, bringing with it a strange, tingling numbness in her sword arm.

"Ack!"

Esdeath stumbled back in shock, gasping, clutching at her mangled shoulder. Warm blood welled up between her fingers, her breath escaping in a misty plume. Hissing softly, she dropped her blade, frantically scooping it back up with her off hand. Her mind went white. Refusing to believe what had just happened. When she removed her palm, she could clearly see the glove, dripping red. Incredulous, her azure gaze swung back to the suddenly defensive blond, and a haze fell over her vision.

He'd wounded her.

Her.

HER!

"Wha, is that it? I've fought demigods with more power than this!"

"DAMN YOU!" Her frustration burst out of her in a shriek! "Why are you so much stronger than me?!"

Blue eyes narrowed.

"Because I used to be a weak!" A fist thundered forward into her cheek.

"Powerless!" This was punctuated by another rolling punch to her bruised visage, her nose bloodying as clenched knuckles ground against cartilege.

 _"IMBECILE!"_ The horned deity roared the word and delivered the final blow; a vicious, debilitating kick to her disbelieving visage, rocketing the bluenette across the palace site like a shooting star. Her back struck the far wall with a harsh crack, and she felt something give in her spine.

Naruto didn't leave her at that.

"You'll never amount to anything," his voice rose around her, "And you'll never measure up to anyone until you understand what it means to be weak. I scraped and clawed, cried and bled, and _sacrificed_ to get where I am now. What do you know about that, eh?" Before she could react he reached down, seized her by the throat, and yanked her to feet. Then he took her head and slammed it into the floor with enough force to crush a normal woman's skull with more force than she could ever hope to match.

Somehow, Esdeath survived it.

Barely.

 _Pain._

That was her first and only thought as she lay there, concussed, limbs flopping bonelessly against the rubble, the salty tang of blood welling up in her mouth. Someone was speaking-she was screaming-spitting mindless gibberish as her back slammed down against the ruined floor, as a booted foot found her chest. She was trapped, pinned, made captive in an instant. Her trump card all but exhausted, much as the stranger had claimed she would. the same as he'd trapped Kakarot only a few moments before. It was galling, terrifying even, to see this angry god looming over her like the reaper.

Even so, a part of her was enthralled by it. She'd never been beaten like this before. Not since she'd claimed her Teigu. It was...humbling.

And now she was going to die.

Esdeath didn't _want_ to die.

She wanted to get stronger. To fight him again. To experience this frightful joy, this battlelust once more. She wanted to beat him. Crush him into the ground. No. She wanted more than that. She wanted to make him hers. She wanted to prove that she was better, to dominate him, claim him, show that she was superior, that he should be listening to _her..._

"Are...you going to kill me, now?"

Thus, she waited for death.

 _And Naruto snickered._

"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out soft and merry, the cackle of a mad jester. "...ehehehehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it dropped three octaves, leaping into an insane crash of noise that left her hair standing on end, her skin rippling in gooseflesh. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the painful sound of scarred palms smacking together with a harsh, contemptuous pop of sound. It was both the happiest Esdeath had ever seen this stranger, and the most frightening, terrifying sound she'd ever heard.

Doubling over, he finished with a throaty chuckle, wiping a mirthful tear from his eye.

"No."

"No...?"

Impossibly, he smiled.

"I think I'm going to keep you."

 _Then he struck down and she knew sweet slumber._

 **A/N: And there we go. I had to take a crack at the Minister's name. Esdeath you can at least sympathize with, but the MINISTER?! That fucker's anything but honest! And after reading the latest chapter I got really, really, REALLY pissed at what he did to a certain character. Not gonna spoil anything, but this is my way of getting back at that fat o'l bastard. Naruto's having a little war of his own for shits and giggles. Should he meet Night Raid? It'd be interesting to be sure, but I'm not sure that'll happen unless folks REALLy want it. Just imagine how he and Mine would clash!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would Ye Kindly?**

 **And of course...**

 **...enjoy the preview! Care to guess at what happens? Methinks it ought to be obvious...*grins***

 **(Preview(S)!)**

 _"That's what, your fifth attempt to seduce me, now?"_

 _Esdeath bristled, eerily aware of blue eyes following her from the yard._

 _"What do you want, exactly?"_

 _"I told you. I want you. "_

 _"No shit, sherlock!"_

* * *

 _Naruto grinned malevolently._

 _For a fleeting instant, all he saw was the dark of night. Then..._

 _There. There he was._

 _"Good evening."_

 _"Oh, hell."_

 **R &R~! =D**


	2. Kill the Justice

**A/N: LONG LIVE THE YEAR OF THE REQUEST FOR I AM BACK AGAIN! Also, whoo! Noodlehammer updated! I really can't get enough of his stories.**

 **I once more ask you, my dear reader, to remember this:**

 ** _Remember_ , this is meant to make you smile. A pick-me-up, if you will. Its full of crack, silliness, and humor abounds. VERY LITTLE of it is serious at all. That being said...**

 **...enjoy! We jump right into the thick of things, here! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!**

 **And I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed writing this chapter FAR more than I should, if only to put a certain little witch in their place.**

 _...you're lucky. I'm going to break my rules for you."_

 _"What are you...NO! Stop!"_

 _"Hold still! This won't hurt a bit..._

 _"AAARGH!"  
_

 _"Oops, might've lied..._

 _~Naruto and...?"_

 **Kill the Justice**

 _I've changed my mind._

 _I LIKE this place._

 _Why, you ask?_

 _It's rather simple, really. Didn't even take me a day to see it. You see, evil thrives here. Some people are grey, sure, but the vile ones...those are easy to see. Don't even need my third eye to do it. I'm not talking about those with tragic backstories or even, some misunderstood sods like a particular justice-loving girl who could redeem themselves...but never get the chance to. I'm talking about nasty, blackhearted idiots with no regard for human life. Degenerate meatbags who do whatever they please to those they deem to be beneath them, including cannibalism if it suits them. In short, scum._

 _And what do we do to scum, boys and girls?_

 _We._

 _Kill._

 _Them._

 _We kill them with fire, we kill them with ice. We kill them twice over and then we kill them thrice! We pluck out their eyes and cut off their toes, we don't leave a piece of them behind, not even their nose!_

 _We kill kill kill killkillkillkillkilKILL all the scum..._

 _...until there's none left at all._

* * *

(...)

* * *

"Stop in the name of justice!"

Naruto had scarcely taken more than six steps out of the palace before he someone started shouting at him. Said shout was accompanied by a hail of gunfire. Esdeath still slung over his shoulder like a bag of wheat, he didn't even stop at first, slinging a halfhearted wind jutsu over his back to dislodge his would-be pursuer. It wasn't until a smattering of bullets ricocheted off his back and nearly struck his hard-won woman that he finally lost his temper and considered retaliating with lethal force. The next round never even reached him, deflected by a force of will and to be quite honest, more than a little annoyance.

"Ugh, people all day today-LADIES! Exterminate with extreme prejudice!"

Against anyone else that should have done it. He'd honestly expected it, even.

He things to do, people to prank, and teigu to steal!

"Koro! Arms!"

So when he heard a jarring crunch, followed by both Erza and Diny hurtling past him to crater a nearby building across the street, he was honestly more than a little perturbed. Oh, he knew a punch like that wouldn't be anywhere near enough to keep his girls down, but the realization that they'd actually been hurt rankled him more than he'd like to admit. So did that damn voice!

"I said _halt_ , evildoer!"

Naruto rounded with enough force to rend the ground into a ragged tear at his feet. Anyone else would've seen this and run for the hills.

His tormentor merely grinned.

"Okay, what the hell."

In the end he found himself face to face with a young woman with auburn hair and amber eyes, all wrapped up in rather ridiculous-looking armor. For some odd reason she opted to wear her hair in a nice, long ponytail that almost reached the ground. Why would you do that? Long hair was all well and good when you were an ageless immortal like him, but a pretty girl like that? That was just asking for trouble. Seriously! Anyone could reach back, give it a good yank, and then were would you be eh? Up a creek with no paddle and missing most of your scalp, that's what! Not to mention the sheer amount of shampoo

There was also no way in hell someone that tiny could've launched Erza and Diny like that just now.

Which, by process of elimination, left the dog beside her.

A rather large, angry-looking dog.

With lots of teeth.

Lovely.

Thusly irritated, an errant thought sent the slumbering bluenette on his back to a pocket dimension, freeing up his arms for what he was sure would be a short-lived fight. He had no time to waste playing around with a random girl, no matter how cute she might be. And she'd hurt his girls. Lost major points for that, too.

 _Nobody hurt his girls._

"How did you do that?!" the girl demanded!

Narutuo raised his hand...

...and gave her a one-fingered salute.

"Fuck you, that's how."

"N-N-Now see here, you fiend!" Stammering slightly at the blatant profanity, the orangette swiftly recovered and thrust a finger at him, striking a pose she no doubt looked rather imposing. "I'm Seryu Ubiquitous of the Imperial Police! In the name of Absolute Justice, return General Esdeath here and now!" She thought it was a very impressive pose, mind you! It struck fear into the heart of criminals everywhere! No doubt this criminal was cowering in his boots at the sight of-

"No."

Seryu blinked, momentarily taken aback.

"...no?"

"I said no." Naruto repeated blandly, defiantly jamming both hands into his coat pockets. "As in Negatory. Nyet. Nunca. Not going to happen. I defeated her in mortal combat fair and square. Ergo, she's mine to do with as I please? Haven't you read the rules of anime? No?" He raised a hand, displaying three fingers. "If someone kicks your ass, you have to (A) Defect to their side, (B) Develop an overbearing crush on them, or (C) And this is a personal favorite of mine, get down on your knees and suck _THESE NUTS!"_

Face flaming to the very roots of her hair, Seryu Ubiquitous found herself shocked beyond words at the abrupt pelvic thrust.

"PERVERT!" she shrieked! "What is _wrong_ with you?! Have you no SHAME?!"

"I could ask you the same thing, oi! You shot me!"

"You stole General Esdeath!"

 _"Semantics!"_

"ENOUGH! Koro!" Seryu flickered a finger at him. "Pulverize the evildoer!"

"Oioioioi! That's a lot of power, there! You trying to kill me or something?!"

"Clearly!"

Seryu scoffed at the blond's protest, in all honestly she fully expected her teigu's massive fist to grind the presumptuous pervert in paste right then and there. He might be tall, but he didn't look very strong to her eyes. And Koro had flicked away his guards with ease! Imagine her surprise then, when the blond simply raised a lone digit and thrust it forward. Not a hand, not even a palm. He simply extended his index finger, heedless of the onrushing beast, placing it against his thumb, lining it up with painstaking care as the furious Teigu charged in and-

 _Flick._

Koro shot backwards as though he'd been fired from a pulse cannon. Seryu had no time to dodge, just enough to blink. Then Hekatonkheires plowed into her with all the force of a freight train. They collided, master and pet, flailing head over heels like a wild, careless tumbleweed. Anyone else would've been flattened by the sheer weight of such a massive beast. Not Seryu. Fast as a blink she was up again, vaulting to her feet. Her hair in tatters, but otherwise mostly unharmed.

The same could not be said for Seryu's savaged pride.

"Koro!" she roared, demanding her teigu's attention! "BERS-

"Disable." Naruto's voice chimed in merrily.

Seryu's mouth snapped shut of its own volition before she could form the word, her tongue falling flat and dead in her mouth. To her dismay, she simply couldn't speak it. It was as if her mind had simply forgotten how to speak the word, much less remember it. What foul sorcery was this?! What had he done to her?! Why couldn't she give the command for her trump card!? Bright eyes snapped to her foe, only to find that he'd all but vanished again, leaving her staring at an empty ruin. Where had he-YEOW!

"Don't you just _hate_ it when you forget something?" the blond called, waving gleefully. "I know I do."

A sharp pinch on her posterior informed Seryus exactly where he'd gone. And what he was doing!

The strawberry-blonde yelped and frantically fired at him.

"Ooh, very nice!" he cackled, dancing away, unfazed by the bullets. "I give it an A-. You would've gotten a plus, but the poor attitude ruins it."

"You...you villain! You must be a member of Night Raid! What Teigu are you using?!"

Naruto blinked.

"Night Raid? I have no idea what that is."

In that instant, Seryu's temper slipped its leash.

He'd mocked her, beat her, confounded her at every turn. Insulted her sense of justice, demeaned her with his crude and childish pranks. Now he dared accuse her of stupidity?! How dare he! The gall of it had her eyes darkening, blood rushing to her cheeks and filling her vision with a cloudy red haze. Without so much as a second thought, she charged headlong at the grinning god, heedless of her own peril. Desiring only to wipe that smug smile off his face. She'd crush him! Riddle him full of holes! Sensing the frustration of its mistress, Kora surged forward ahead of her.

"Koro!" she howled! "Prey!"

 _Mistake._

Naruto's eyes gleamed a blood red and he slapped his hand on the ground, creating a thick plume of white smoke. Koro drew up short, its wide eyes regarding the rising fog with wary hesitation. It remembered all too well how the human had flicked it and wasn't about to charge headlong into danger unless it had a clear field of vision. Unfortunately, that mistake cost master and Teigu most dearly.

"Oh, Diny~!" the deity's voice echoed merrily within the haze. "Dinner time!"

"MINE!"

The poor teigu never stood a chance.

One moment he'd been facing a harmless-looking man. Then a girl erupted from the smoke to bar his path. A girl he faintly remembered slugging across town a minute ago. In the same moment a bolt of red and black surged forward out of the smoke as, forcing Seryu to give ground as the Head Cleaver came perilously close to taking another head.

"You again?!"

"Sorry!" Naruto catcalled into the waning mist. "She's a mite bit pissed with you for before!"

Koro moved to help his mistress, only to find himself face to face with several thousand tons of angry Indominus Rex.

Even then it might have been a fair fight against any other creature. Koro was a biological Teigu, after all. He'd just keep regenerating until his core was destroyed. But what Hekatonkheires failed to realize was that _this_ particular Rex once consumed the flesh of a living, breathing divinity and become something of one herself. Add to this the fact that she was _much_ larger than him as well as absolutely starving and the teigu may as well have wrapped him himself in a bun with a side of fish an' chips.

Impossibly, the Rex grinned.

 ** _"MINE~!"_**

Koro did not die well.

Teeth the size of a grown man closed around his bulky torso and sundered it with ease, ripping, tearing, shearing through him as though he were made of a breeze. Realizing its dire peril, the teigu smashed a meaty fist against one of the Rex's eyes. That only succeeded in angering his captor. An impossibly long tail cracked across the Teigu's stubby legs, hobbling it, and then it was over. In the moment that Koro lost his balance, Diny surged in, using her larger body like a battering ram, driving her prey to the ground.

From there, the rest was a bloody blur to Seryu.

Though the Teigu flailed wildly indeed, Diny simply dragged him to the ground with hooked claws, forcibly pinning its far bulkier limbs down while her honed fangs made short work of the rest of him. Great gouts of blood streamed from the writhing biological as it spasmed, growing weaker in spite of its best efforts. Within ten seconds, Hekatonkheires was little more than an unrecognizable fleshy mass, trapped by Diny. Thirty more and he wasn't even that. By the time a minute elapsed all that remained of the once hulking dog was a red stain on the street, happily lapped up by the Naruto's darling girl.

And Seryu Ubiquitous had a ringside seat to it all.

Paralyzed by what she'd just witnessed, the blood-soaked girl crumpled, the last of her resolve falling to pieces. She barely felt the sword at her throat.

"K-Koro...!"

"Charging blindly forward, because you are so brave." Naruto hummed softly, fishing a cigarette out of his belt. "Charging blindly forward...right into a grave. How did you think this was going to turn out, hmm?" When she refused to raise her gaze, his voice prodded at her again. "Seriously, I would've been happy to leave you be if you hadn't poked your head out. But you just _haaaaaaaad_ to start. Now we're finishing it. Erza-chan? I think you'd better go keep an eye on Diny. This might be...messy."

Panick flared to life in Seryu's chest.

She swung blindly, smashing a tonfa gun at his face.

Naruto caught the blow and flowed into a spinning backhand that bashed his knuckles against her bleeding visage and cracked her skull against the ground. If he hadn't severely handicapped himself there, the poor girl wouldn't _have_ a face. She was strong, of that much he was certain, but in that instant he'd hit with enough force to flatten a danger beast. She wouldn't be getting up again.

A spiked boot planted itself against her skull.

"Any last words, Seryu-chan?"

"I won't beg, you bastard!"

The blond didn't answer, instead taking a long drag of his cigarette.

"I am not evil." he drawled after a long moment, exhaling a thin plume of smoke. "I'm not a particularly nice guy, either. But you?" his horned head tilted, bright eyes somehow dark in the afternoon light, "You're fucked up. Hell, you'd probably kill civilians if they admitted to stealing just to feed their starving children. No, wait. Didn't you already do that shit?"

"I don't care if you hate me! I serve justice!"

"I don't hate you." the blond sniffed. "I'm just not terribly excited about your existence. You want justice? You want to do the right thing?" when all she did was glower, he jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Take a good long hard look at your own boss."

"You...You're lying! I don't believe you!"

Naruto hummed thoughtfully.

"No, I suppose you wouldn't."

This girl...

...she was _broken._

Coming from him that meant something!

A twisted sense of right and wrong, bordering on a completely black and white view of the world. In her mind, the Empire and all those who served it, despite their deeds, were considered good. From what he had seen of said Empire thus far, that was a serious flaw. All who opposed it were evil, with no exception. A woman who stole to feed her starving children? Evil. A boy who killed a guard to prevent his sister from being raped? A foul evildoer. Such twisted logic went well beyond what he considered acceptable and he was a pretty fucked up guy to begin with!

This perverted sense of right and wrong was so wrong, so _warped_ that he wondered if she was even remotely capable of mercy. Mercy separated justice from murder. Without mercy, you were just a tool, a callous killer who did as they were told, uncaring of right or wrong.

He could of course, just leave her be, but a thorn of doubt pricked him and held him back. Even without her Teigu she was still viciously dangerous. And who was to say she wouldn't simply get another? All the same, he didn't want to kill her. While she hadn't exactly given him a good fight, she _had_ given him a marvelous idea for a prank. The only problem was that Seryu simply wasn't be able to pull it off in her current, justice-frenzied state, which complicated matters even further by the fact that he actually felt _sorry_ for the poor girl. She genuinely wanted justice, she'd just been so twisted up by a corrupt system that she couldn't tell the difference.

Shit.

It was a damn shame, really.

He didn't like breaking the rules he'd set for himself.

This of course included Rule Three-Thousand-and-Sixty-Eight.

What?

A madman could have rules!

"Me and fucking hard-luck cases...

Seryu stiffened as the boot left her head.

"What?"

"You know, you're really fucking lucky. I'm going to break my rules for you." Naruto said, pressing a firm hand to her forehead. "Just this once. You're just too damn fucked up for me to leave alone, but I can't leave you as you are. I get the feeling you're going to hurt someone or yourself, so consider yourself on permanent leave from the Empire, effective immediately."

"What are...NO! Let go of me! Stop!"

Seryu struggled mightily, but the weight of his arm felt was a vice on her cranium, pressing down with incredible force. Not enough to hurt her, but enough to keep her pinned and prevent her from escaping. He must've seen the fear in her eyes; because the hold on her fractured skull loosened, just a bit.

"Now, I need you to hold still, Seryu-chan." her captor continued, beaming as the pressure behind her skull continued to build, blotting out all else. "You're only the second person I broke this rule for and I'm still not the best when it comes to memory wipes. Don't want to delete anything important now, do we? Don't worry, I'll be sure to take extra special care of you. Hell, you probably won't even remember any of this, which is for the best really. If you wake up, and I really hope you do, this won't even be a nightmare."

"But...I don't...

"Shhhhhh." he hushed her, pressing a bloody finger to her lips. "Now... _ **forget."**_

Seryu's last memory was of that blinding grin.

Then it vanished, too.

"Now," he hummed as the darkness took her. "I think I'll pay these Night Raid Folks a visit...

 _The hell that followed would be known as the Night of Orange._

 **A/N: And there we go. I had to take a crack at Seryu. I started this chapter out intending to kill her, honest to god. I was stuck in canon mindset. Then I went back, and looked into her past and...jeez. Its kinda fucked up. In the end, she's as much a victim of the Empire as anyone else. At least, that was my mentality of her BEFORE she got to Sheele. So I decided to get two birds with one stones and nip that problem in the bud before it happened.**

 **Can't let her kill our favorite waifu, after all~!**

 **Remember, Naruto is, and always will be a sucker for lost causes. Now, he isn't going to take on EVERY problem and fix it mind you, he's just a sucker when it comes to girl's with bad pasts.**

 **That and he's having a little war of his own for shits and giggles. Next chapter he'll RAID Night Raid and all HELL shall break loose!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would Ye Kindly?**

 **And of course...**

 **...enjoy the preview! Care to guess at what happens? Methinks it ought to be obvious...*grins***

 **(Preview(S)!)**

 _"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We are tonight's entertainment!"_

 _...not wearing that, I hope."_

 _"MUST EVERYONE MOCK MY CLOTHES, OI?!"_

* * *

 _"So, Night Raid, eh?"_

 _"Who the hell's the old guy?" Mine frowned._

 _Naruto twitched._

 _"Old guy, is it? LET THE PRANK WAR BEGIN."_

 **R &R~! =D**


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